Thursday, 27 December 2012

Messy mind, messy life, messy page

I'm not sure if many of you have noticed but this blog writing thing is kind of difficult. It's kind of like life - it's easy to lose track and just let it go. Then one day, you wake up and you're pissed you let so much time go by without actually doing or writing SOMETHING! But you're not quite certain what to do or write.

That's me today.

I'm sitting in my warm house looking at the snow piled up outside, facing six days of rest and relaxation. But inside, I'm bubbling and boiling. I can't relax. I don't want to read the current novel I'm wading through, I don't want to do laundry, I don't want to clean up, I don't want to write in my blog, I don't want to write. I don't know what I want to do. My skin is prickling with over stimuli and I just want to cut and peel it off. I'm sweating from anxiety, my stomach clenching. One minute my mind flashes quickly through a sequence of thoughts; the next minute, I'm struggling to remember the dog's name.

I have to do something today, something! But what?

I've forced myself to put away dishes and fill the dishwasher but there is no satisfaction.

Yesterday, I tried to leave the house, drive to town, get away. But the Genius was full of questions - Where was I going? What was I doing? How long would I be gone? I didn't know. I had no set plan. He wanted us all to go together, maybe see a movie. I wanted to be alone but my heart soared at the idea of a movie. Darkness, popcorn, an escape from reality for two hours, bliss. The Goobers didn't want to see the same movie we wanted to. They didn't want to see the movie they were interested in at the same theatre complex while we (the adults) watched what we wanted to see. They didn't want to leave the house. I gave up. It's like I can't escape, even for a few hours.

I have to do something today - something! Please!

Only six more days to go.

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